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TriWhat 11-01-006 |
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What
Did You Expect?? Redeeming
the Realities of Marriage Paul
David Tripp Crossway,
2010, 287 pp. ISBN 978-1-4335-1176-9 |
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Tripp
is the president of Paul Tripp Ministries, a popular speaker, a staff member
at Tenth Presbyterian Church in Philadelphia, and a professor at Redeemer
Seminary in Dallas. A good marriage is
built through a reconciliation lifestyle that consists of daily habits,
thousands of little moments that fulfill six personal commitments. 1. What Did You
Expect? Most
people enter marriage with unrealistic expectations -- which always lead to
disappointment. It is hard to look at
reality while overcome by a powerful romance.
When you are in love, you are sure everything will work out okay. Tripp recommends "prepared
spontaneity," developing a lifestyle that builds on the life-giving
wisdom of Scripture. The
basis for our problems is a personal
happiness paradigm. You are a
sinner and you married a sinner. Your
life and your spouse's life are affected by sin, weakness, and failure. But God wants to rescue you, to use your
circumstances to change you into a personal
holiness paradigm. When
we study the Bible, we see the world as it really is. This helps us be realistic in our
expectations and reach out for His help.
And He is powerful. 2. Reason to
Continue Every
marriage becomes a struggle at some time or in some way. Sin complicates things. What is the answer? "A marriage of love, unity, and
understanding is not rooted in romance; it is rooted in worship."
(33) " You are a worshiper, so
everything you think, desire, choose, do, or say is
shaped by worship." (33) "You attach your identity, your
meaning and purpose, and your inner sense of well-being to something. You either get these things vertically
(from the Creator) or you look to get them horizontally (from the creation).
… No marriage will be unaffected when the people in the marriage are seeking
to get from the creation what they were only ever meant to get from the
Creator." (34) "Marriages
are fixed vertically before they are ever fixed horizontally. We have to deal with what is driving us
before we ever deal with how we are reacting to one another." (35) "It is only when I love God above all
else that I will ever love my neighbor as myself. …the difficulties in our marriages
do not first come because we don't love one another enough. They happen because we don't love God
enough; and because we don't love God enough we don't treat one another with
the kind of love that makes marriage work." (36) 3. Whose Kingdom? It's
hard to fix something when you think the problem is the other person. "All of the horizontal battles are the
fruit of a deeper war."
"Real change is all about winning this war." (46) "Sin
turns us in on ourselves … to our own wants, needs, and feelings. … Because
of sin, we really do love us, and we have a wonderful plan for our
lives!" (47) "What we
actually want is for our spouse to love us as much as we love
ourselves…." We tend to see
others as vehicles to help us get
what we want or obstacles in the
way of what we want. This is living
for the kingdom of self. There is an
ongoing battle between the kingdom of self and the kingdom of God. When you are losing the battle, you
inevitably have conflict with your spouse.
"His
grace purposes to expose and free you from your bondage to you."
(51) Ask yourself whose kingdom shapes
your marriage, defines your dream, and makes you happy? "Reconciling your marriage begins when
you begin to reconcile with God." (53) 4. Day by Day "The
reconciliation of a marriage must be a lifestyle…." (57) "The character and quality of our life
is forged in little moments."
"We must have a 'day-by-day' approach to everything in our
lives…. Things in a marriage go bad
progressively. Things become sweet and
beautiful progressively." (58) "You
quit working in those little moments to make your marriage better, and you
begin to succumb to what is."
"There is an epidemic of marital laziness among us … rooted in
the self-centeredness of sin." (59)
We
must be reconciled daily to God and one another with intentionality. This becomes a marriage reconciliation
lifestyle. It consists of daily habits based on daily commitments. In
a fallen world, trust is the fine china of a relationship. It is beautiful when it is there, but it is
surely delicate and breakable." (66)
"There are two sides to trust.
First, you must do everything you can to prove yourself trustworthy. Second, you must make the decision to
entrust yourself into your spouse's care." (66) 5. Coming Clean:
Confession You
can't grow in affection toward someone while continually rehearsing their
wrongs. (71) Marital difficulties are rarely rich in
self-awareness. People don't seem to
be willing to do the one thing that makes change possible--confess. "No
change takes place in a marriage that does not begin with confession. Confession is the doorway to growth and
change in your relationship. It is
essential. It is fundamental."
(72-3) It
is most tempting to believe our greatest problems exist outside us rather
than inside us. But the greatest,
deepest, most abiding problem each of us faces is inside--sin. Selfishness begins to replace service. We become self-righteous. "The deception of personal
righteousness is a huge wall in the way of marital change." (75) We don't see ourselves objectively. Healthy
relationships require the humility of approachability and the courage of
loving honesty. "It's hard
enough to consider our present weakness and failure. It is even harder to consider the fruit
that that weakness and failure has produced over the years." (78) "Confession should be seen as a
wonderful gift that every marriage needs.
It should be liberating." (79)
And only Christ makes it possible.
"There are few things that contribute more to the health of a
marriage than the commitment to keep short accounts." (81) "Change is not only about admitting
wrong; it is about progressively growing in self-knowledge." (81) 6. Canceling Debts In
healthy marriages, people find joy in canceling debts. It is essential. Without confession and forgiveness you end
up with dislike and disrespect. Every
day you harvest what you planted. Each
selfish act followed by a bitter response damages affection and unity. This can become a relationally destructive
and exhausting pattern, building up walls of defense. "The
cost of forgiveness is great, but the harvest of forgiveness is a beautiful
thing." (92) Often, forgiveness
is a process, not an event. Forgiveness requires humility, compassion, trust,
self-control, sacrifice and even remembering.
Forgiveness is the fertile soil in which unity in marriage grows. 7. Pulling Weeds Selfishness
is the DNA of sin. It is a horrible reversal of God's design and it will
never work. We need to look for
evidences of selfishness shaping the way we think, desire, act, and respond
in our marriages and root them out.
Materialism can't make us happy.
"It leaves us empty, in debt, and addicted, while taking our
time, attention, and energy away from the most important human relationship
in all of life." (107) "A
healthy marriage is a healthy marriage because, by God's grace, the people in
that marriage never stop working on it!" (108) Laziness allows us not to do things we know
we should do. It is rooted in self-love. "In a fallen world, very few things
are corrected by inaction." (112) 8. Planting Seeds "The
character of a marriage is formed in thousands of little moments…."
(115) "There is much more
manipulation going on in our marriages than we tend to think."
(120) "The problem in our
marriages is … that we don't love God enough, and because we don't love God
enough, we don't love one another as we should." (121) "What this means is that you don't fix
a marriage first horizontally; you fix it vertically." (121) "Change in your marriage begins with
confessing your need." (123)
Planting new seeds of love means exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit in
Galatians 5. 9. Sticking Your
Neck Out You
must trust each other enough to place yourself in your spouse's hands. See the good list of trust questions on p.
137. Trust is an essential foundation
of marriage. It is about rest, peace,
security and hope. Trust is built
moment by moment. 10. Someone to be Trusted "Trust--it's
readily given, easily broken, and costly to restore." It must always be built. "The comprehensive cohabitation of
marriage…will reveal your true heart and your true character… including your
weaknesses, failures, and sins." (153) Trust
begins vertically, learning to trust God and placing all your eggs in His
basket. You can move toward your
spouse and not be afraid because your identity, purpose, and well-being come
from God and not from your spouse.
"Straightforward, clear, and transparent communication…is
essential to building a relationship of trust." (155) Your spouse must be able to take your words at face value. Trust always requires admitting wrongs and
committing to change. See vital steps
of restoration on p. 163 ff. 11. All You Need is Love 12. Ready, Willing, and Waiting "Love
is willing self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not require
reciprocation or that the person being loved is deserving."
(188) "Love does its best work
when the other person is undeserving." (189) "Love grows out of the nutrient soil
of gratitude." (189) "It is
impossible for any of us to love as has been described. The bar is simply too high."
(201) "God's call to love
confronts us with our weakness and inability." (201) "He gave himself so that right here,
right now, you would have the resources you need to live a concrete and
continuing life of love." (203) 13. Amazing Grace "You
and I are not the authors of our own story." (207) "Your life is a mystery that only
makes sense to you after the fact." (207) "The more you esteem what God has
created [like your spouse], the less you will want to remake it." (210) "Determine to respond to your
differences with appreciation and respect." (211) "He has designed marriage to be one of
his most effective and efficient tools of personal holiness. He has designed your marriage to change
you." (214) 14. Before Dark Dealing
with the differences between you and your spouse. Face reality. Deal honestly with your anger. Overlook minor differences. Deal with your anger before you sleep. Communicate in wholesome ways, to build up
one another. Keep communication
other-focused and other-directed. Make
use of resources. Resist the enemy's
lies. Look for God's wisdom in bringing you together. Humbly admit your struggle. Recognize that God is at work and that your
hope for marriage is in God's love for you.
15. Eyes Wide Open Marriages
begin to deteriorate when people with good marriages quit doing the good
things that make it good. They quit
watching and praying and working. God
will give you everything you need to be what you are supposed to be and do
but you must do it. No coasting. When
your car is new you take special care of it.
When it gets older you neglect to wash it, forget to change the oil,
and allow trash to accumulate in it.
The problem isn't with the car.
You get lazy and become inconsistent and impatient. Remember, marriage is spiritual warfare. 16. On Your Knees Nothing
is more important in marriage than Paul's counsel to pray without
ceasing. Marriages typically change by
erosion, ten thousand little steps while we are asleep at the wheel. Prayer is a very important part of a
lifestyle of paying attention. 17. Worship, Work, and Grace "When your life is shaped by the worship of
God, you live with his plans and purposes in view." (270) "It is only when a husband and wife are in
love with the same King and live in practical pursuit of the same kingdom
that they have any hope of functional unity, understanding, and love."
(274) Worship is a lifestyle and the
hope of your marriage is in God's grace. The Six
Commitments
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